If I had “the look” I would’ve been a movie star. If I were funnier I would’ve been a comedian. And if was gifted between the knees & hips, I would still been dating.
Unfortunately, I am none of the above. And I, unlike many, know exactly why. It’s because of the “Unbreakable” glasses I wore as a child.
They were so thick that if worn under the right conditions with a transparent head, I could have started a fire. To boot, I had several pairs. Which gave my insecurities even more fodder considering they were sold to my father under the auspices that they were “Unbreakable” glasses.
I remember the salesman demonstrating all of their “Unbreakable” qualities to my father in a very Electrolux way. He gracefully pulled on the temples bending them flat out to either side to show what would happen if I sat on them. He then carefully held them in the middle near the rubber nosepiece twisting the frame in opposite directions to show what would happen if I stepped on them. He even threw them down on the ground to show that the lenses were thick enough to survive an impact.
Never once did he put them on my face. Never!!!
I asked my father, “If they’re “Unbreakable” glasses, why do I need several pairs?” He replied in his deep, resounding voice, “For when you lose them.”
I then looked at the salesman, who in a very salesmany way, pumped his fist ever so slightly as if to say “Yes!” knowing full well he’d sold my father not one, but several pairs of “Unbreakable” glasses.
Disgusted, I then asked my father, “Why do I need “Unbreakable” glasses if I’m just going to lose them?” The Salesman gasped like a little girl who’d just seen a mouse. My father’s eyes fixed glazed on mine in a deafening and awkward moment of silence that seemed to last an hour.
Then, he bought them all.
The moral of this story? Don’t question your father or he’ll make you wear glasses that you can step on, sit on, and throw. And if you lose them, he’ll have a backup pair.
If not for my “Unbreakable” glasses, who knows?